When Love Feels Like a Cage

Pressure wrapped in Affection

I once told someone that you don't love people how you want to, you love people how they want to be loved. Of course the person didn't understand what I meant by that but I have come to find out that it is the best way.

Loving someone your own way is most likely to cause a lot of problems. I know this first hand.

Love is supposed to feel like home. Safe, warm, and comforting. It should be the one place where you feel accepted, valued, and free. But sometimes, love is mistaken for possession. Sometimes, instead of feeling like a warm embrace, it feels like a heavy chain. And love under pressure isn’t love at all. It's control disguised as devotion.

Many people believe that if they just love hard enough, they can make someone love them back. They flood them with attention, overwhelm them with words, and push their presence into every empty space, believing that persistence will win the heart that isn’t freely given. But love doesn’t work like that.

Imagine someone who is always around, always expressing their love in ways that suit them: public displays, constant messages, physical closeness without stopping to ask, is this what the other person wants? They don’t notice the discomfort in the silences, the hesitation in the responses, or the weight of expectations that slowly become a burden.

At first, it may seem sweet, even romantic. They are always there, always reaching out, always speaking of their love. But then the little things start to add up: the reluctance when they get too close, the exhaustion from constantly reassuring them, the discomfort of being loved in a way that feels overwhelming instead of fulfilling.

And when that love isn’t returned in the way they expect, the cracks begin to show. The warm words become guilt trips, the affection turns into entitlement, and the devotion twists into frustration. Suddenly, the same love that was meant to bring them closer pushes them apart.

This is the danger of forced love. It isn’t always obvious at first, but it carries a weight that isn’t easy to bear. Love should be given freely and received willingly. It should never feel like something you are being pressured into accepting or something you are afraid to walk away from.

Now picture someone else—someone who truly understands what love should be. He cares deeply for his partner, but instead of forcing his love onto her, he takes the time to learn how she wants to be loved.

If she isn’t comfortable with physical touch, he respects that. He doesn’t push himself onto her, doesn’t guilt her into accepting his affection, doesn’t make her feel bad for setting boundaries. Instead, he finds other ways to show love through words, through actions, through simply being present in a way that makes her feel safe.

If she prefers thoughtful gestures over grand public displays, he adjusts. He doesn’t use their relationship as a public performance of devotion. Instead, he focuses on what matters, loving her in ways that actually make her feel loved.

If she needs space, he gives it. He doesn’t flood her with messages just to feel reassured. He trusts her, understands that love isn’t measured by constant interaction but by connection. He listens when she speaks, understands when she needs time, and doesn’t take it personally when she can’t always be available.

And the difference? She feels safe. She feels valued. She feels loved, not because he forces it on her, but because he gives it in a way she can receive. She, in turn, loves him back in the way he needs, and together, their love grows not out of pressure, but out of mutual understanding.

This is the difference between forced love and real love.

Forced love is rooted in insecurity. It demands reassurance. It expects reciprocation on its own terms. It gives, not for the sake of the other person’s happiness, but for the sake of feeling needed. And when that need isn’t met, it reacts with frustration, emotional blackmail/manipulation, passive-aggressiveness, or guilt-tripping.

Real love, on the other hand, is rooted in mutual care and respect. It understands that love is not a performance or a test. It isn't demanding or controlling. It nurtures. It doesn’t just express itself in the way one person wants; it expresses itself in a way that makes both people feel safe, valued, and connected.

Love should never feel like something you owe someone. It should never come with the pressure to accept affection in a way that makes you uncomfortable. If someone truly loves you, they will take the time to understand how you want to be loved. They won’t insist on giving love their way and expect you to simply accept it. They won’t ignore your boundaries or try to guilt you into a relationship.

The truth is, loving someone your way without considering their needs is not love—it’s selfishness wrapped in sentiment. It’s saying, “This is how I love, and you must accept it,” instead of asking, “How do you feel loved?”

Real love listens. It respects boundaries. It understands that no matter how deeply you feel for someone, if they don’t feel the same way or if they need space, you have to accept it. Because anything else is just emotional forcefulness, and forced love is not love at all.

So if love starts to feel heavy, if it starts feeling like something one person is dragging while the other is trying to escape, maybe it’s time to let go. Maybe it’s time to recognize that love should never be a burden.

But all this is just talk, do you have a val’s yet or will you join me in praise and worship to my God at the Hallelujah Challenge?

Anyhoo, Happy Valentine’s day my precious ones,

Sincerely,

Damie “ St Valentine’s Assistant” Ibegbu