How to Avoid Accountability and Still Think You’re the Victim.

A Masterclass in Avoiding Growth.

Dearest Gentle Reader,

We are gathered here again to talk about how people are choosing to not be accountable in 2025.

Let us start by saying what accountability is for those at the back

Accountability means taking responsibility for your actions especially when they hurt or affect others. It’s being able to say, “I did this. It was wrong. I’m sorry,” without blaming, denying, or running away.

It’s not just about saying the right words. It’s about doing the hard, honest work of making things right with others and with yourself. It’s the opposite of excuses, defensiveness, or silence.

Let’s be honest, accountability looks amazing on paper. Everyone talks about it like it’s the key to healing the world. You see it in captions: “Take ownership.” On company walls: “We value accountability.”

But when it’s actually time to do the accountability thing , you know, to admit fault, apologize, or just sit in the discomfort of someone telling you that you hurt them, suddenly, the air gets weird. The jokes get louder. The silence gets longer. The excuses become defense mechanisms.

And it makes me ask:

Why is it so hard for people to just say, “I did this. I’m sorry”?

Here’s a personal story.

Sometime in 2020, during COVID, a friend of mine tested positive. I’d seen her two weeks prior, so I told my colleagues and HR out of responsibility and worry.

Almost immediately, the office turned into a biohazard scene. People were pouring and spraying me with sanitizer like I was patient zero, lol. My seat partner at the time, nearly bathed with sanitizer and used her nose mask after she guzzled Vitamin C and Zinc tablets. I was anxious and scared. Worried for myself. Scared for my friend who had tested positive. For everything.

Then a colleague, who also happened to be my friend, said:

“If you knew you had COVID, why didn’t you stay at home. Why did you come to the office to infect everybody?”

It hurt. Deeply. I didn’t know if I had COVID. I would have never intentionally put anyone at risk. I did not understand why she said it and with much disdain nonetheless.

And when I told her the comment was hurtful, she didn’t apologize. she said she was “just joking.” She said,

“Wow, so you’re really angry about this? I thought we were close enough to joke but now I can see that we are not really close friends like that since you are offended.”

Translation: Your feelings are the problem, not what I said.

That’s not just avoidance. That’s gaslighting, where instead of taking responsibility for harm, someone makes you feel ridiculous for being hurt at all. All she had to say was, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way. I realize now it was the wrong time.” But nope. Easier to lead with guilt tripping than stand still with honesty. Best believe the friendship took a downward spiral after that.

Accountability isn’t just about saying sorry to others. It starts with being honest with yourself. It’s the quiet self-awareness that recognizes there are parts of you that need healing, growing, softening, or sharpening. It’s looking in the mirror and admitting, without shame, “I could be better here.” Not because someone is demanding it. Not because someone is threatening to walk away. But because you know you deserve to show up as the most whole, aware, and intentional version of yourself.

I once asked an ex “Do you think you were a good partner to me?”

He said no. He admitted he wasn’t a good communicator and that he didn't do a good job of listening. He shut down emotionally. He said that is how he has been with other girls. He knew it. He said it out loud.

So I asked, “Do you want to change that? Not for me. Just for yourself?”

He said no. He said that was how he was raised and he didn’t see the need to change that.

And that’s when I understood something deeply: Accountability is not just awareness. It’s willingness. It’s not just knowing you’ve got work to do. It’s choosing to do it. Not for applause. Not for forgiveness. But because you want to be a better version of yourself.

This kind of accountability is self-respect in its highest form. It’s saying, “I want to do better, not to win anyone over, but because I want to live well in my own skin.” And the more you grow, the more it extends into your relationships, your work, your community. You stop outsourcing your healing or projecting your pain or flaws onto others. You take responsibility for how you love, how you lead, how you respond.

Let’s talk about those friendships now. The ones where they know they hurt you but instead of owning it, apologizing, and repairing the friendship, they ghost you. Some ghost you for weeks. Some for months and some forever, until one day they show up like nothing happened, with a casual “Hey stranger 👀.”

To be honest, you are not obligated to let them back in. You are allowed to say, “No, thank you. That silence said more than your return ever could.” I have experienced this firsthand and my motto is “let the dead remain dead.”

We are adults. In 2025, emotional maturity shouldn’t be too much to ask for. Ghosting someone you hurt because you’re too uncomfortable to apologize isn’t healing, it’s hiding. It’s cowardice.

Another place people avoid accountability and try to manipulate is within the family. Accountability in families is one of the hardest forms to ask for because the moment you try, you’re met with a spreadsheet of everything they’ve ever done for you, instead of a conversation about what they’ve done to you.

You try to say:

“You hurt me when you weren’t there. I needed you, and you chose not to show up.”

But what you hear back is:

• “But what about that time we paid your school fees?”

• “What about all the sacrifices we made?”

• “Are you saying we never did anything for you?”

And just like that, the conversation becomes a courtroom. You’re not just hurt now you’re ungrateful. You’re not just honest, now you’re disrespectful. And the thing you came to say gets buried under the weight of their emotional blackmail and manipulation.

But here’s the truth: Good deeds don’t cancel out emotional damage. Care doesn’t erase harm. You can love someone and still wound them. You can provide for someone and still neglect them.

And when families refuse to take accountability, when they silence pain with guilt, or gaslight grief with memories of generosity, that pain doesn’t go away. It festers. It hardens into distance. It becomes resentment disguised as silence.

You see, what people have failed to understand is that real love listens. Real love says, “Tell me how I failed you, even if I thought I was doing my best.” Real love is brave enough to hear the whole story, not just the parts that make it feel good or proud.

A lot of family members have created distance just by the unwillingness to be accountable for their actions. We are now in an era where people are choosing distance from family for their peace of mind rather than talking because it feels like a waste of time.

Accountability isn’t limited to personal relationships either. At work, we love throwing around the word “ownership.”. Take initiative. Own your work. Be accountable. That’s adorable, really. But here’s the truth; Accountability is for everyone, not just the lowest on the org chart.

Your title doesn’t excuse you. If you manage people, lead teams, sign off on work, you should be modeling the very thing you expect from others. You don’t get to yell “be responsible” while ducking feedback, blaming subordinates, responding whenever you like or throwing the people under the bus because you couldn't do the work assigned to you in due time.

Leadership without accountability is just ego with a job description. As professionals, we really should do better.

At the end of the day, accountability isn’t rocket science. It’s not vibes. It’s not a weapon to guilt people. It’s just… maturity. Being able to say, “I did that. It hurt you. I see it now. I’m sorry.” No over-explaining. No “you’re too sensitive” or “ i was just joking” No vanishing acts. Just ownership, care, and the willingness to do better, for yourself and the people who care about you.

Because:

1. “I wasn’t aware” isn’t leadership.

2. “That’s just how I am” isn’t a personality.

3. “If you were really my friend, you wouldn’t be mad” isn’t an apology.

4. And “I was just joking” doesn’t erase the hurt.

So here’s the 2025 rule:

If someone tells you they’re hurt by something you did, try listening before you start building a defense team in your head.

And if you are the one that’s been hurt?

You don’t have to keep fighting to make someone be accountable. You can walk away and keep your peace.

Not everyone deserves front-row seats in your life, especially the ones who can’t say, “I’m sorry,” without making it your fault.

Yours Truly

Damie